I have wanted to do a book report various times over the last few years but I’ve only done a couple. As a reminder I do write one sentence media reviews of everything I read.

I’m compelled to do this more in-depth writeup for my own good really; as I start to raise children I’d like to have these notes close at hand and I figured well I may as well share them. Maybe I’ll also print a small version and hang it on a wall or something.

This book was great but I don’t have time to wax poetic so without further you-know-what let’s get listicle.

Overall:

• Your kids need a safe space to fail without judgment
• Behavior is an expression of needs, not identity
• Do not focus on the impact of the child’s behavior on us, they are just kids.
• “Our kids want our full attention more than anything else.” – this one note is probably the most important thing in the book. Put down the phone Eli.

How this works

• “As soon as we feel truly seen in our experience and our desires, we can let our guard down”
• “Our kids should not dictate our boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings.”
• Boundaries are what we tell kids we will do.
  • So rather than, “don’t hit your sister”, try, “I won’t let you hit your sister.”
• “The absence of a sturdy adult keeping them safe is more dysregulating to them than the original issue.”
• “Anxiety is the intolerance of discomfort.”
  • So work on tolerating discomfort by meeting them in their discomfort.
  • Mainly by being present and empathizing with emotions.
• Shame doesn’t care what’s fair. And shame feels like ultimate danger to a child. So fair is not important.
  • “From each to each” really applies here, especially when it comes to interactions with others.

Classic lines for the kiddos:

• “You’re a good kid having a hard time . . . I’m here, I’m right here with you.”
• “You’re allowed to be mad”
• “Something about this feels tricky. I believe you. Take your time. You’ll know when you’re ready.”
• “I’m so glad we are talking about this”

Difficult times

• During a tantrum, literally say out loud what your child is wishing for that they aren’t getting. That helps them feel seen.
• “I won’t let you” is the line to set a boundary.
• Embody authority. Narrate your plan to the child.
• See a child’s lie as a wish for what they want, not as a deliberate provocation.
• Reasoning with an emotionally charged child makes them feel unseen and unsafe
• “Kids need less logic, more connection”
• Physically pick up a tantruming child, confidently bring them somewhere safe, sit with them and say, “I’m here, take your time.”
• Labeling a child “He’s shy” locks him into the role. Give the child time and support them in their current pattern.

Food

• Parents are in charge of what, where, when. Kids are in charge of what they eat from that.
• Serve dessert with dinner and it won’t be a distracting reward.

Thriving

• Always be orienting our kids inward to figure out their needs, not outward for discipline / rewards
• Let them solve things. Praise by asking questions about the accomplishment rather than “you’re so smart”.
• Act out difficult scenarios with stuffed animals
• If your child is too perfectionist, “make a game of not-knowing, make it a goal to make a mistake, give high fives for errors.”
• “Confidence is our ability to feel at home with ourselves in the widest range of feelings possible”